Saturday, 16 October 2010
fox: 24series
Jack Bauer
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
For the naval historian, see K. Jack Bauer. For the professional cyclist, see Jack Bauer (cyclist).
| Jack Bauer | |
|---|---|
| 24 character | |
 Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer | |
| Portrayed by | Kiefer Sutherland |
| Appearances | 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 |
| Other Appearances | 24: The Game 24: Redemption |
Actor Kiefer Sutherland portrays Jack Bauer in the television show[2] and video game. The television series ended on May 24, 2010 after 8 successful seasons. A feature film is now underway.
Contents[hide] |
[edit] Concept and creation
24 co-creator Joel Surnow commented that they did not have any actors in mind for the part; "We didn't really know who it was. We were casting a lot of people and then we heard Kiefer Sutherland's name and thought, that's Jack Bauer."[3] In 2000, Sutherland was contacted by his friend, director Stephen Hopkins, who was working on the pilot for the experimental real-time TV show and offered him the lead.[4] Initially Sutherland had reservations about playing Bauer, stating, "I thought, 'This is really clever and different, so there's no way they're going to pick it up. But I could use the money, and no one will ever see it'."[5]It is believed that the name Jack Bauer alludes to the highest card in the game of euchre; the "bower" is the jack of the trump suit and the most powerful card in any particular round.[6]
Sutherland must produce around 24 hours of film each season, "which is like making 12 movies, so there are going to be mistakes along the way, but I am incredibly surprised by how many things work well as a result of working at that pace."[5]
In 2006, Sutherland signed a contract to play the role of Bauer for three seasons following season five. The contract was reported to be worth $40 million.[3] Sutherland is also an executive producer of 24.[7]
[edit] Characterization
Jack Bauer was born in Santa Monica, California,[8] on February 18, 1966,[9] to Phillip Bauer, who placed his livelihood in his company, BXJ Technologies. The name of Jack's mother is unknown. Jack had one brother, Graem Bauer. Philip originally planned to give the company to Jack,[10] but as Jack said in Day 6, "I just had to go my own way."[11] Later on after leaving the U.S. Army, he married Teri Bauer, and later on had a child, named Kim Bauer.Jack has a Master of Science degree in Criminology and Law from the University of California, Berkeley.[12] He entered the U.S. Army and eventually joined Delta Force; among the decorations accumulated during his service are the Silver Star, the Purple Heart, and the Legion of Merit. He left the Army with the rank of Captain, according to his service record. Following his career in the Army, Jack worked for both the Los Angeles Police Department's Special Weapons and Tactics unit and for the Central Intelligence Agency as a case officer in the clandestine service. He was recruited into the Counter Terrorist Unit by Christopher Henderson.[13]
He has demonstrated a high proficiency with firearms (typically the SIG P229 or USP Compact), explosives, electronic devices, resistance to torture (after being kidnapped by Chinese agents, and tortured for almost two years, it is revealed he hasn't spoken a single word for the whole time). He is fluent in German (Season 8) and has demonstrated some ability to either speak or understand Spanish (Seasons 1 & 3), Russian (Season 6), and Serbian (Season 1). He is also shown to be capable of flying planes (Season 2) and helicopters (Seasons 3, 5 & 8).
Jack's final dialogue with Renee Walker in Season 7[14] offers insight into his perspective on torture and its ramifications:
| “ | I see fifteen people held hostage on a bus, and everything else goes out the window. I will do whatever it takes to save them, and I mean whatever it takes. ... Laws were written by much smarter men than me. And in the end, these laws have to be more important than the 15 people on the bus. I know that's right. In my mind, I know that's right. I just don't think my heart could ever have lived with it. | ” |
[edit] Appearances
As the protagonist and central figure of 24, Jack Bauer is the only character to have appeared in all episodes of the series.[edit] 24 Season 1
During season 1, Bauer's wife Teri and his daughter Kim are kidnapped by Victor Drazen, a man Bauer believes he killed in a covert mission called Operation Nightfall in Kosovo two years earlier. Jack must try to rescue them, while simultaneously preventing an assassination attempt on presidential-candidate Senator David Palmer. Erroneously believing that Kim is murdered by Drazen, Jack single-handedly kills Drazen and his associates in a fit of rage. As Bauer is returning to CTU, Nina Myers, whom he knows to be a traitor, kills Teri to facilitate her escape. Jack cries with Teri in his arms to end the first season.[edit] 24 Season 2
Eighteen months after the events of Day 1 and the loss of his wife Teri, Jack is asked to be brought back into action by George Mason (the head of CTU at the time) and CTU at the request of the NSA. Jack, who is still seemingly overwhelmed by his wife's death and the fact that his daughter Kim disowns him, refuses as he holds CTU responsible for what happened to Teri. However, at the request of now-President Palmer (Jack's close friend), he goes to CTU, where he learns that there are terrorists in Los Angeles who plan to detonate a nuclear bomb in the city sometime within the course of that day. Thanks to Jack's work, the bomb is detonated in the Mojave Desert with no great loss of life. Jack then spends the remainder of the day working with CTU to find out who was really behind the nuclear bomb in order to prevent war in the Middle East.[edit] 24 Season 3
Three years later, Jack returns from an undercover sting operation of Ramon Salazar, a Mexican drug lord. While the operation is a success and results in the arrest of Salazar, it comes at a heavy price. Bauer ends up with a heroin addiction in order to maintain his cover with the Salazars, and attempts to fight it by going "cold turkey". Ramon's brother, Hector, insists that Bauer be kept alive to buy the Cordilla virus and resell them to underground organizations worldwide for a one billion dollar profit. Eventually Bauer wins the trust of Ramon Salazar but learns that another buyer is in play, headed by Nina Myers. Nina won the virus and Jack has to prove to her that he hates CTU. Nina even makes Jack kiss her. The sale of the virus goes bad, but Nina Myers is taken into custody and is eventually executed by Bauer after he deems her useless. Kim was about to shoot Nina when Jack shoots her instead. He then learns that the man behind the distribution of the virus and the attacks is Stephen Saunders, one of Jack's former team members presumed dead from Operation: Nightfall in Kosovo. At one point Saunders threatens to use the virus if the President doesn't have CTU Regional Director, Ryan Chappelle killed. Chappelle is getting close to discovering Saunders has a daughter. The President reluctantly puts this on Jack. Jack utters the words "God forgive me" and carries out the execution per the President's orders. Eventually Jack and Chase Edmunds capture Saunders and retrieve the vials of virus. On their last retrieval, Jack is forced to make a decision to cut off Chase's hand using an axe to gain access to the final vial; Chase had fastened the device to his hand with a titanium clamp to prevent the escape of the suspect carrying it. After leaving the hospital following Chase's decision, Jack takes a moment in his parked SUV. For the last remaining minutes in the 24 hours since the day began, Jack sits alone in his car and cries over all the events he's had to endure, such as killing Chappelle.[edit] 24 Season 4
Eighteen months later, Jack is fired by Erin Driscoll due to his heroin addiction acquired prior to Season 3. He finds employment with the Department of Defense and becomes involved in a relationship with the daughter of the Secretary of Defense, Audrey Raines. Eighteen months after Day 3 Jack is called back in CTU to help them stop a terrorist mastermind named Habib Marwan, Audrey witnesses Jack interrogate her estranged husband Paul Raines, which makes her question whether or not she can be in a relationship with him. Jack is unable to stop Air Force One from being shot out of the sky with a stolen Stealth Fighter jet, leading Vice President Charles Logan to assume office. Later in the day, Jack is told by former President David Palmer, whom Logan brought in as an advisor, to invade the Chinese consulate and extract a man named Lee Jong who has key information. However, the Chinese consul was accidentally killed by the Chinese guards shooting at Bauer. Lee Jong was also injured during the raid, leading Jack to force doctors at CTU who had been operating on Paul Raines to sacrifice him in order to save Lee, much to Audrey's dismay. Jack and CTU are soon able to beat the clock and intercept the nuclear warhead that Marwan had targeted Los Angeles with. But the Chinese soon learn that Jack was behind the attack, forcing Jack to fake his own death and go into hiding in order to avoid being taken into Chinese custody.[15][edit] 24 Season 5
After Michelle Dessler and David Palmer are killed, and Tony Almeida is presumed dead by assassins, Jack is forced out of hiding. He discovers that the assassin's plot was to frame him for the murders. Chloe O'Brian is saved by Jack as assassins attempt to kill her as well. Jack interrogates the assassin and retrieves information that they were setting him up. Terrorists take over an airport terminal, but CTU learns that the hostage situation was a decoy to obtain military-grade Sentox nerve gas. Jack follows a series of leads which takes him to Christopher Henderson, a man Jack used to work under at CTU. Jack goes undercover when the terrorists try to release a canister at the Sunrise Hills shopping mall, and he stops the attempt against the orders of the President. Jack and CTU then are able to thwart the terrorists next attack by blowing up a natural gas facility the terrorists had used to circulate the nerve gas throughout the city. Jack eventually learns that it is President Charles Logan who is behind the day's events. Jack works and goes to great lengths to recover a recording implicating the President, going as far as to hijack an airplane that was carrying the person whom the recording had been passed off to. Eventually, Jack is able to directly confront the President. Though he is unable to get Logan to confess to his crimes, he places a micro transmitter in the President's pen, which leads to his downfall. At the end of the season Jack is captured and imprisoned by the Chinese for his actions from Day 4. It is speculated that the Chinese learned that Jack was still alive by President Logan, looking to cover his tracks and trying to prevent Jack from exposing him.[edit] 24 Season 6
Over the last 11 weeks, the United States has been a target of non-stop terrorist attacks and bombings, in public buildings and transportation. Jack is released from China 20 months after his capture at the end of Day 5. It is revealed that he is being released only to be handed over to Abu Fayed who begins to torture him.[16] However, Jack manages to escape by biting out a man's jugular vein and tries to warn President Wayne Palmer of Hamri Al-Assad's innocence, a man whom Fayed convinced the US was behind the attacks. Jack saves Assad from an air strike, and the two are able to thwart a bombing attempt on a subway and rescue a civilian family held hostage. As the events unfold, painful memories of his murdered U.S. Army Green Berets team leads Curtis Manning to attempt to kill Assad, leaving Jack no choice but to shoot Curtis in order to get more of the information they need from Assad, sending Jack into an emotional state of overwhelming grief. Jack attempts to quit from CTU, but a nuclear bomb explodes, destroying Valencia, California. He realizes he cannot stop what he's doing until he stops Fayed once and for all. New leads point to an involvement with a company run by his father Phillip Bauer and brother Graem. Jack interrogates Graem for information, but before he can get a lead Phillip Bauer sees his son as too much of a risk to reveal his involvement and kills Graem himself (giving the impression Graem had a heart attack from the drugs). Jack discovers his father's involvement and trails him to a hotel, where he is holding his grandson Josh Bauer hostage. Phillip agrees to trade Josh's life for Jack's. As Phillip is about to execute his son, Jack makes a last sentiment, claiming that he became what he did for his own reasons, and not to spite his father. Phillip leaves before shooting Jack, who eventually manages to thwart Fayed's nuclear plans, killing him before any more bombs could detonate.Jack is told that Audrey Raines died looking for him in China, but later discovers that she has actually been kidnapped by the Chinese. He completes an exchange with the Chinese and manages to save Audrey, as well as his nephew who gets mixed up in the events when Phillip Bauer returns. Audrey has lost her memory and does not remember Jack. Jack tearfully bids goodbye to Audrey after being told by her father, James Heller, that he cannot give her good enough care. The season ends with Jack staring out into the horizon, uncertain of his future.[17]
[edit] 24: Redemption
Looking for a place where he can 'be at peace', Jack finds himself traveling the world and eventually winds up in the fictional African nation of Sangala. Here, he stays with his old friend and former special forces colleague Carl Benton, who runs a school for rescued war orphans. During his stay in Sengala, Bauer is found and subsequently subpoenaed by a state department official to appear before a senate hearing to answer questions concerning his activities with CTU, for which he has been trying to avoid for more than a year.When a sudden military coup takes place in the country, Jack helps Benton bring the orphans to the U.S. embassy so that they can leave the country and escape rebels who plan to turn them into child soldiers. After Benton is killed, Jack turns himself in to a subpoena executed by U.S. Marines and allows himself to be arrested at the embassy in order to let the children be removed from the war zone.
[edit] 24 Season 7
At 8 AM, Jack begins his day at a Senate Subcommittee hearing; Senator Blaine Meyer is conducting an investigation into the actions of CTU, and it is clear that he intends to make an example of Jack. Bauer is rescued by FBI agent Renee Walker, who needs his assistance to prevent a developing terrorist threat: an extremist group is attempting to take over American infrastructure, including power, water and air traffic control. Jack is needed because Tony Almeida is assisting this group. Jack and Renee succeed in apprehending Tony, who reveals that he is helping Bill Buchanan and Chloe O'Brian to reveal a conspiracy embedded deep within the American government. This conspiracy is controlled by the dictator of Sengala, Gen. Benjamin Juma, who first sends a subordinate, Col. Ike Dubaku, to capture former Sengalan Prime Minister Ule Matobo, whom Juma deposed, and then stages an attack on the White House in the hopes of humiliating and eliminating President of the United States Allison Taylor. Jack, Tony, Bill and Renee, with support from Chloe and FBI agents Larry Moss and Janis Gold, are able to foil these efforts.However, it becomes clear that Juma was not working alone: he had support from within America, in the form of a private military company called Starkwood. Juma and Starkwood CEO Jonas Hodges had collaborated to develop a bioweapon, a fast-acting strain of Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease, which Hodges attempts to use to force President Taylor to include him and Starkwood in the highest circles of American government. Fortunately, the bioagent is destroyed before deployment via Tony's efforts, with only one known victim: Jack himself, who was exposed to the prion while attempting to escape with it. FBI physicians predict death within two days; while an experimental treatment involving the stem cells of a family member does exist, it has a low probability of success. As Hodges is arrested, it becomes clear that he is but one link in a larger chain: the leaders of many American PMCs have been assisting his efforts, and had planned to use his bioweapon for similar purposes. Tony is revealed to be an agent of this inner circle when he escapes with the only remaining canister of bioweapon. Though his attempts to deploy it are foiled, he manages to escape custody when his allies capture Kim Bauer, who had flown to DC to watch the Senate hearings, and threaten her with death unless Jack breaks Tony out of jail. Tony thereafter reveals that his actions ever since resurrection have revolved around Alan Wilson, leader of the PMC conspirators and the man who ordered the assassinations (as seen in the opening moments of season 5) of former president David Palmer, Chloe O'Brian, Tony himself and his wife Michelle Dessler, who, Tony reveals, was carrying their unborn child. Tony and Wilson are both remanded to federal custody, while Jack makes peace with his impending death, unaware that Kim has volunteered to provide stem cells for the experimental treatment.
Jack's emotional state is more central to the story than it has been in previous seasons. Though he and Senator Mayer begin the day with attitudes of mutual antagonism, Jack later visits him at his home for information on Starkwood (Mayer had been investigating Starkwood as well as CTU), and the two come to an understanding: both of them want to live in a world where the Jack's methods are unnecessary, even though they have somewhat different means of bringing that world to fruition. He wins the respect of a Muslim imam, Muhtadi Gohar, while attempting to apprehend a terror suspect (whom Tony had framed), and in fact turns to Gohar for spiritual guidance at the end of his life. He is able to make peace with Kim, despite the many years and pains between them. However, his most notable emotional relationship is with Renee Walker, who quickly establishes her willingness to abide by the law when she allows Jack to torture a suspect who may be protecting Almeida. Renee is possessed of the same hatred of injustice as Jack, but is very hesitant to employ the methods he uses; the two characters personify the debate that has raged on the show (and about it) for many years: whether the ends justify the means. The final important revelation offered this season was that Jack by no means believes the law to be unnecessary or weak, stating that he "know[s] that these laws have to be more important" than the often few people he is trying to save (one must assume that 24 only reveals rare exceptions, and that in the "workaday" life of CTU, the targets are much smaller); however, despite this belief, he contends that his "heart couldn't live with" sacrificing innocent persons, however few (the example he cites is "fifteen people on a bus"), for the sake of maintaining some abstract law or legal fiction.
[edit] 24 Season 8
Main article: 24 (season 8)
As season 8 started Jack Bauer was sitting with his granddaughter and watching TV. His daughter Kim asked if he wanted to come back to Los Angeles with her, he said yes.On learning of an assassination attempt on Kamistani President Omar Hassan prior to peace talks with Russia, Jack contacts Chloe O'Brian at CTU. They learn that someone very close to Hassan is the suspected assassin. When Chloe asks for Jack's help, he says that he is done, but his daughter persuades him to help CTU foil the assassination attempt. The bomber is identified as one of the security personnel and Jack saves Hassan by killing the bomber.
Farhad Hassan (brother and Chief of Staff to Omar Hassan) is closely involved in the assassination as well as with smuggling nuclear fuel rods. This latter subplot involves Jack and Renee Walker going undercover to try and identify the location of the rods. Samir Mehran has the rods and wants to use them as leverage (as dirty bombs) to capture President Hassan. President Taylor asked Jack to protect President Hassan, but Hassan surrenders himself to Mehran to protect innocent lives being lost. Hassan is executed leaving Jack to apologise to President Taylor for his failure.
Jack and Walker return to his apartment and after a passionate moment together finds the two looking to their future, she is shot by a sniper (hired by the Russian foreign minister, Mikhail Novakovich). Renee dies shortly after in the hospital with a distraught Jack looking on. With revenge his only concern, Bauer attempts to interrogate Dana Walsh (a CTU mole), but President Taylor intercedes and orders that Jack be transferred to McGuire Air Force Base. In transit, he hijacks a helicopter and immediately tracks down an old friend, Jim Ricker, to supply him with weapons.
As he tracks Walsh, Jack is crossed by Chloe, nevertheless he finds Walsh and discovers the Russian involvement in the conspiracy behind President Hassan's death. Jack kills Walsh in cold blood after her failed attempt to escape with the information. This also leads him to Pavel Tokarev, the sniper who killed Renee. After brutally torturing Tokarev, Jack realises that the information he needs to discover the full extent of the conspiracy is on a phone SIM card; swallowed by Tokarev. Tokarev dies as Jack evicerates him and retrieves the card from his stomach. Tokarev's last contact was with former President Charles Logan. Jack captures Logan who leads him to Novakovitch, but unknown to Logan, Jack had placed a bug on him. After tracking down and eliminating Novakovich and his bodyguards, Jack then, via the bug, discovers that Logan is conspiring directly with Russian President Yuri Suvarov.
In the final hour of the series, Jack sets up an operation to take down Suvarov by having Logan ask Suvarov to come to his residence. Jack sits across in the next building with a sniper rifle aimed straight at Logan's room. However, before he has a chance to pull the trigger, Chloe intervenes, saying that they can use the recording Jack made of Logan and Suvarov's conversation as evidence. Jack agrees and gives her the recording. He then forces her to shoot him to avoid suspicion. As Jack is being transported to CTU, Logan (under the indirect authorization of President Taylor) arranges for his ambulance to be ambushed. In the final scene of the show, Jack is taken to a construction site to be killed. However, the agent charged with killing Jack receives a phone call from President Taylor, who had found them through a CTU drone via Chloe, Arlo, and Cole's help. Taylor orders the agents to stand down and release Jack.
In the final moments, Jack contacts Chloe at CTU. Still watching him on the drone, Chloe tells Jack that she and Taylor are buying time for him to flee the country, as he will now be pursued by both Russian and American agents for the events of the past hours and the revelation of the Russian conspiracy. Jack looks towards Chloe (at the drone), and tells her to keep Kim and the rest of his family safe. Jack then begins running away (which leaves the story open for the feature film), with Chloe telling Arlo to shut down the drone. The camera focuses and fades out on Jack's face one last time before the final clock.
[edit] Other appearances
As the principal character in 24, Jack plays a prominent role in the television series as well as the video game. Jack is the main protagonist of the 24 series and the books, and has appeared in every episode to date. Kiefer Sutherland has portrayed Jack Bauer in these episodes, including the prequels and the webisodes. Additionally, he voiced the same character in 24: The Game, 24: Day Zero and 24: DVD Board Game.[edit] 24 Prequels
Jack Bauer is also featured in all four prequels, that can be found on the 24 DVD releases and various websites. These prequels are designed to bridge the gap between seasons. They provide backstory into story arcs for upcoming seasons, namely insight into what Jack's actions have been leading up to the next season. Prequels have been made for Seasons 4, 5, 6, and 7.[edit] 24 Webisodes
24: Day 6 Debrief takes place 35 hours after the nuclear device exploded in Valencia, California. The series consists of 5 segments, no longer than three minutes in length each. Two agents, Agent Ramirez and Agent Moss, track Jack down to a hotel room and ask him to come to District for debriefing about the recovery of the tactical nukes. The Debrief consists of Agent Ramirez and other agents attempting to discover more about the supposed-death of an undercover agent, Marcus Holt, who disappeared shortly after Jack's imprisonment in China at the hands of Cheng Zhi. Since Holt was involved with the Chinese government, it is believed that Jack leaked information that led to his identity being discovered and execution. At the end of the series, the agents announce that they have no conclusive evidence about his involvement, but Ramirez promises to keep a close eye on him until he is certain. Jack tells Ramirez that if he ever sees him again, he better say "The Lord's Prayer", because it will mean he's come to kill him.With that, Bauer is released from custody and the interrogation ends.
[edit] 24: The Game
[edit] 24 Toys
Diamond Select Toys released 1/6 scale figures based on Jack Bauer:- 2008- Jack Bauer 8:00 AM
- 2009- Jack Bauer 3:00 PM Season 1
- 2009- Jack Bauer 9:00 PM Season 1
- 2007- Season 1 Box Set (Jack Bauer, Nina Myers, David Palmer, Kim Bauer)
- 2007- End of Day 1 Two-Pack, PX Exclusive (Jack Bauer, Andre Drazen)
- 2007- Season 2 Box Set (Season 2 Jack Bauer, Tony Almeda, Michelle Dessler, George Mason)
- 2007- End of Day 2 Two-Pack, Suncoast/FYE Exclusive (Stretcher Jack Bauer, Prisoner Nina Myers)
- Canceled- Season 3 Box Set (Undercover Jack Bauer, Sherry Palmer, Chloe O'Brien, Chase Edmunds)
- Canceled- End of Day 3 Two-Pack (Jack Bauer, Stephen Saunders)
- 2009- Jack Bauer
- 2009- President David Palmer
- 2007- Jack Bauer Boxed Set 1
- 2007- Jack Bauer Boxed Set 2
- 2005- Jack Bauer (Suit) Season 4 7:00 am – 8:00 am
- 2005- Jack Bauer (Tac) Season 4 11:00 am – 12:00 pm
- 2007- Jack Bauer Season 5
[edit] 24 comic books
IDW has released a series of comic books based on the adventures of Jack Bauer and other members of the 24 Cast. 24's Comic License is published by IDW Publishing- 24: Nightfall — A tale shedding more light on the background and characters of Day 1, including Victor Drazen. Written by J. C. Vaughn and Mark L. Haynes
- 24: Cold Warriors — An original tale of intrigue featuring Jack Bauer and Chloe O'Brian, set in Alaska. Written by Beau Smith and Steve Bryant
[edit] Law and politics
American politicians and lawyers have taken to using Jack Bauer and his actions to frame the debate on American interrogation techniques, which have become an object of intense controversy.[18][19]For example, at a legal conference in Ottawa, Canada, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia took offense at a Canadian judge's remark that Canada did not consider what Jack Bauer would do when setting policy. Scalia shot back: "Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles.... He saved hundreds of thousands of lives... Are you going to convict Jack Bauer? Say that criminal law is against him? 'You have the right to a jury trial?' Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer? I don't think so."[20]
The Hang Up Ringer
The Hang Up Ringer
The Hang Up “Ringer”
-So we are all familiar with the emergence of the unique ring tone. You call your friend and are treated to the latest single from Gwen Stefani or the gifted musician T-Pain (world’s most sarcastic comment). Gone is good old standby: ring….ring…ring…, replaced by “If I could be free…you know I’d be a real bad giiirrlll”. My idea: the Hang Up ringer!
Why do we need this you may be asking….well, let me elaborate. Back in “the day”, when you got PO’d at someone on the phone, you could take the handset and violently SLAM it down to hang up on them, and the idiot on the other end would have to pull the phone away from their ear to avoid having their ear drum burst (which they probably deserved). Now though, will these darn cell phones, all you can do is push end…unable to convey your anger, thereby allowing the other person to get away with their phone rudeness! In fact, they will often have no clue they have been hung up on and continue in their rudeness with no audience! Psh…punks!
Well, no more. What if every time you pushed END, the sound of a loud flushing toilet signaled the end of the call to the person on the other end? Whooo….sssssshhhhh!!! Yup, you’ve just been flushed like a piece of you know what!!! You could go anywhere with this idea. There could be different catagories: bathroom sounds (all KINDS of opportunity here), gangsta sign offs (“WHADJU SAY??? I’m comin over there!” or simply the sound of a gunshot), sports (an umpire screaming “Yeeerrr OUTTA HERE!!!”) and even songs (“Na na na…na na na…hey hey hey…goodbye” – I could sing it and be as famous as that operator lady!). You could even go old school and have it be a recording of someone loudly slamming a handset!!! How in your face would that be. The person hears the slam, and says to themselves “But he was on his cell phone!?!?!” and is confused for the remainder of the day.
The possibilities are endless! Suffice it to say, people would probably start calling people just to hang up on them. Prank calls would be a whole new ballgame. And in the off chance that you really can’t stand when someone calls you, you could make the hang up ringer be the regular ringer whenever they call! Every time they CALL they hear a man ask “Why are you calling me. I can’t stand you…don’t even leave a message, cuz I am not calling you back…EVER!”
***I ALREADY CALLED THE US PATENT OFFICE, so don’t even try it!!!***
-So we are all familiar with the emergence of the unique ring tone. You call your friend and are treated to the latest single from Gwen Stefani or the gifted musician T-Pain (world’s most sarcastic comment). Gone is good old standby: ring….ring…ring…, replaced by “If I could be free…you know I’d be a real bad giiirrlll”. My idea: the Hang Up ringer!
Why do we need this you may be asking….well, let me elaborate. Back in “the day”, when you got PO’d at someone on the phone, you could take the handset and violently SLAM it down to hang up on them, and the idiot on the other end would have to pull the phone away from their ear to avoid having their ear drum burst (which they probably deserved). Now though, will these darn cell phones, all you can do is push end…unable to convey your anger, thereby allowing the other person to get away with their phone rudeness! In fact, they will often have no clue they have been hung up on and continue in their rudeness with no audience! Psh…punks!
Well, no more. What if every time you pushed END, the sound of a loud flushing toilet signaled the end of the call to the person on the other end? Whooo….sssssshhhhh!!! Yup, you’ve just been flushed like a piece of you know what!!! You could go anywhere with this idea. There could be different catagories: bathroom sounds (all KINDS of opportunity here), gangsta sign offs (“WHADJU SAY??? I’m comin over there!” or simply the sound of a gunshot), sports (an umpire screaming “Yeeerrr OUTTA HERE!!!”) and even songs (“Na na na…na na na…hey hey hey…goodbye” – I could sing it and be as famous as that operator lady!). You could even go old school and have it be a recording of someone loudly slamming a handset!!! How in your face would that be. The person hears the slam, and says to themselves “But he was on his cell phone!?!?!” and is confused for the remainder of the day.
The possibilities are endless! Suffice it to say, people would probably start calling people just to hang up on them. Prank calls would be a whole new ballgame. And in the off chance that you really can’t stand when someone calls you, you could make the hang up ringer be the regular ringer whenever they call! Every time they CALL they hear a man ask “Why are you calling me. I can’t stand you…don’t even leave a message, cuz I am not calling you back…EVER!”
***I ALREADY CALLED THE US PATENT OFFICE, so don’t even try it!!!***
How To Get Hired At Walmart
How To Get Hired At Walmart
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
ULTIMATE PROOF OF HUMAN STUPIDITY
ULTIMATE PROOF OF HUMAN STUPIDITY
Proof that humanity will die off, not because of war or plague or Armageddon, but because of one thing: Stupidity. THESE ARE TRUE LAWSUITS... YOU CAN LOOK THEM UP IF YOU WISH!
TOP TEN STUPID-A** LAWSUITS!
10) DUDE, THAT WAS MY CHANCE TO HANG 10.... A surfer recently sued another surfer for "taking his wave." The case was ultimately dismissed because they were unable to put a price on "pain and suffering" endured by watching someone ride the wave that was "intended for you."
9)DYING FOR A COKE... Sometimes, being frugal can cost you more than anticipated. While apparently trying to steal a soft drink from a vending machine in 1998, 19-year-old Kevin Mackle was rocking it dangerously. Suddenly, the weight shift was too hot to handle and the contraption fell on him. The man died following the accident. His relatives sued Coca-Cola Co., two other companies, and Bishop's University in Lennoxville, Quebec (for about $660,000 US in damages and funeral costs) alleging that the machine was not secured and bore no warning signs.
8) A COSTLY BREAK-UP A jury awarded $178,000 in damages to a woman who sued her former fiance' for breaking their seven-week engagement. The breakdown: $93,000 for pain & suffering; $60,000 for loss of income from her legal practice, and $25,000 for psychiatric counseling expenses.
7) KILLER BIOGRAPHY A writer was sued for $60 million dollars after writing a book about a convicted Orange County serial killer. Although the inmate is on death row, he claimed that he was innocent in all 16 murders, so the characterization of him as a serial killer was false, misleading and "defamed his good name". In addition, he claimed those falsehoods would cause him to be "shunned by society and unable to find decent employment" once he returned to private life. The case was thrown out in a record 46 seconds, but only after $30,000 in legal fees were incurred by the writer's publisher.
6) WATER-PROOF SEATBELT This one is sad because it involves the drowning of a Honda. This drunk girl drove into Galveston Bay in Texas. Her friend got out alive but the drunk driver was too drunk to unfasten her seatbelt. So she died. So naturally, her parents sued Honda for manufacturing a seat belt that cannot be easily unbuckled by a drunk driver who is under water.
5) I PREDICT SUNNY WITH A CHANCE OF STUPIDITY.... A woman in Israel is suing a TV station and its weatherman for $1,000 after he predicted a sunny day and it rained. The woman claims the forecast caused her to leave home lightly dressed. As a result, she caught the flu, missed 4 days of work, spent $38 on medication and suffered stress.
4) BEER CHICKS (not included with purchase of beer) A man sued Anheuser-Busch for $10,000. Why? False advertising. Dude claimed that unlike their beer commercials would suggest, drinking their brand of beer did not cause bikini girls to suddenly break into a volleyball game and invite him back to their hotel room. Yes, this lawsuit was actually filed in a court of law.
THE TOP 3....oooooh This is getting exciting.....
3) TURNED GAY AFTER REAR-END COLLISION A 27-year-old man from Michigan was involved in a rear-end collision. Four years later, he sued the owners of the truck that was responsible for the accident. Having suffered minor injuries, he stated that from then on, his sexual relationship with his wife deteriorated, as he was unable to maintain their sex life. He claimed that he had been so affected by the crash that his personality had been forever changed. In fact, he maintained that the accident turned him into a homosexual. He left his wife, moved in with his parents, began hanging out in gay bars, and became a fervent reader of gay literature. He won his case and was awarded $200,000, while his wife received $25,000.
2) OVERSTUFFED (with bullshit) A couple is suing Wal-Mart for injuries they claim were caused by canned goods and condiments that tumbled from an overfilled plastic grocery bag.
The bag broke when the couple, Ronald and Brenda Sager, were unloading their groceries at home. Brenda suffered “cracked and damaged toenails” and also claims to have a broken foot and ligament damage from the incident.
Brenda is suing Wal-Mart for $30,000.
Ronald also decided to get in the game, and he’s suing them for an additional $30,000 because “during Brenda’s healing process, he was deprived of her comfort and her attention.”
AND #1 is... MICHAEL J. look a like. A man’s suing Michael Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight for a combined $832 million. I almost died when I heard about this ludicrous lawsuit: “I’m constantly being accused of looking like Michael and it makes it very uncomfortable for me,” said Heckard. Heckard is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury and emotional pain and suffering. He’s suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the most recognized men in the world. “Even when I go to the gym I’m being accused of playing ball like him (Jordan), said Heckard.”
Now I have THE WORLDS SMARTEST STUPID LAWSUIT.... enjoy...
BONUS: YOUR HONOR, I BLAME MYSELF... I'll SUE MYSELF TOO!...
An inmate filed a $5 million lawsuit against himself (he claimed that he violated his own civil rights by getting arrested) -- then asked the state to pay because he has no income in jail. He said, "I want to pay myself $5 million dollars, but ask the state to pay it on my behalf since I can't work and am a ward of the state." The judge was not impressed by his ingenuity, and dismissed the suit as frivolous.
Well I hope you enjoyed seeing how stupid we have become. Now if you excuse me I have to sue McDonalds because their Big Macs made me fat!
Old man and Jewelry
Old man and Jewelry
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very Pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very Pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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