A Basically Bad Day

A Basically Bad Day


A BASICALLY BAD DAY I don't remember the last bad day I had, except that I frowned at it and shookmy finger, saying "BAD! Bad Day!" That spate of strong language made the day cower in the corner and stay out ofmy way. That angered me even more, since it had already ruined things. Theleast it could have done would have been to continue wreaking havoc on my lifefor the full length of the day. You know, sunrise to sunset. I went along most cheerily for years until today when it came up at me with avengeful force that made me want to cower in the corner. This time, there wasno finger wagging -- I was in a mean enough mood to fight it to the bitter end. Which is where I am now--at a sleazy bar called the "Bitter End."(I'm usingthe pay phone and my portable terminal. The phone booth stinks of either oldbeer, sour beer or, perhaps, beer which has comingled with someone's gastricjuices.) This place, "Bitter End," is a great place to go after having had a bad day.Everyone is equally sour. The drinks -- even non-alchoholic ones -- are sort ofturpid. The bartender and waitress have faces so sulky and grouchful thatpatrons simply stare blankly at the floor or the bar or a tabletop and mumbleslurred phonemes. The jukebox is broken so a tinny radio adds to the torture of everyone's badday. The floors are filthy; the bathrooms are filthy; the language is filthy;even the cocktail napkins are filthy. Such a place, this is. My bad day started when I was awakened by my clock-radio-telephone. The alarmkicked the radio into an obnoxious news program and the phone buzzed stridentlyat 5 a.m. I struggled to answer, managing to damage the radio and scare awaywhoever it was who called. I struggled up to find I had captured a nasty summercold overnight. The cat was yowling. I yelled at the cat, went to make coffee of which there was enough for onecup. The shower refused to work and my nose started bleeding. I scrambled out of the house to find the interior of the car soaking wet froman overnight rain. I ran out of gas a block from home. (Getting gas onlydelayed me a few minutes, since I'm lucky enough to live two blocks away from agas station.) I arrived at work. The phone rang off the hook for a solid hour and none ofmy help arrived on time -- owing to the fact that this happened on July 5th.Everyone knows what it's like to get employees to work on time the day after aholiday. I was sniveling so freely that I could have just put a bucket under my nose,but I probably would have drowned in it. All of the elements of a bad day had occurred and it wasn't even 9 a.m. yet! I won't bore you with the rest of the details, other than to mention that Ilost my set of keys to everything I hold near and dear sometime before lunch,and my awfully bad-tempered cat had sneaked into the car and spent the daybothering me everywhere I went, or tried to go. So... Here I am at the "Bitter End." I'm smart enough not to have a drink. Icome here merely to get some perspective on what bad days are, and to lookvoyeuristically at other poor souls who are also having one--well, two. Theyare having a bad day AND a drink. There's a drunk guy banging on the door of this phone booth. He's utteringslurred phonemes at me with a look of crisp, acute rage. I think he'sthreatening me. Wait a sec: Whaddya want, buster? Get offa the phone jerk! No! I'm on long-distance! I'm gonna pullyerbutt outta there fatface! motion for my tangible self> tables.> Oh, oh....This is STILL a bad day! <....later.....> I've just gotten home from the E/R where a guy who thought he was ElliottGould decided to joke with me about the stitches he was lacing across my rightset of knuckles -- those very knuckles which saved my life by stopping a hurledbeer bottle. I'm feeling a little better now, knowing that the day is clearly almost overwith. In a few moments, I will be in bed. Safe. I'll sleep this day away andtomorrow will be---- ;;System crash! DIVE! DIVE! HOW YA' DOING GUYS AN' GALS? THIS IS OL' JOHNNY DAYBREAK, THEBREAKFAST FLAKE COMIN' AT YA' TWICE AS LOUD AS---

A Cat a Tree and a New Word

A Cat a Tree and a New Word 

   As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story
is somewhat painful.  This is a true story which happened during the late
1970's.  My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the
time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred.
   There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of
Niagara Falls, NY.  One evening, a resident of the town called the local
volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing their cat
from a tree.  Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control
dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond.
The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening
and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond.
   The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an
extension ladder.  The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support
the weight of the extension ladder.  Rather than send men back to the fire
hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested
an alternate course of action.  Two of the firefighters supported the
ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at
about half its height.
   The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup
truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over.
One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his
reach.
   The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.
   The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of
Niagara Falls, and was never seen again.
   This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult".
   Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive
praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds.  Please note
that this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who
perform a dedicated and essential community function.
--
Larry Lippman @ Recognition Research Corp.  "Have you hugged your cat today?"

Once upon a time, we took all of the employees of a pizza delivery place hostage to make a political statement about something or another. While the employees were locked up in the cooler and our leader was negotiating with the police, my friends and I were bored so we started answering the phones and talking to customers. At first, we tried to just chat with them to pass the time but they refused to believe that we were international terrorists. So instead we decided to just pretend that we were the employees and we ended up fucking with everyone who called us. It was a really great time and helped relieve the stress of being tear gassed and stuff. Below are sound clips from a few of the calls.

Funny Old Age Quotes

Funny Old Age Quotes




"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." Patrick Moore.



"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns.



"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen



"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." Groucho Marx



"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." Oscar Wilde



"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." Woody Allen



"So my choice is 'Or Death?'." Eddie Izzard



"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." Groucho Marx



"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson.



"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes." Emo Philips



"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." Woody Allen



"The report of my death was an exaggeration." Mark Twain



"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." George Burns.



"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate." Ambrose Bierce



"It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life." Jimi Hendrix.



"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap." Bob Hope.



"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick." George Burns.



"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey.



"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" Woody Allen



"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." Garrison Kielor.



"When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once." Samuel Butler.



"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." George Burns.



"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." Rita Rudner.



"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down ." Woody Allen



"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." George Burns.



"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time." Greer Garson.



"At my age flowers scare me." George Burns.



"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere." George Burns.



"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." Rita Rudner.



"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?" Margaret Smith.

You’re Only As Old As You Act

You’re Only As Old As You Act


(An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)



Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”



Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary…”



Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”



Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”



(She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)



Me: “…ma’am, this card says you’re seventeen.”



Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door*



Me: “…”

Accident case

A Leeds student has received £12,750 compensation for injuries sustained in a road traffic accident.




Whilst driving his scooter, Mr X approached a junction and came to a stop. As he was stopped behind double white lines waiting for a bus which had right of way to pass, he sustained an injury when the bus turned right into his road and collided with him.



As a consequence he sustained a rupture to the posterior cruciate ligament in his knee and required hospital treatment.



The case settled successfully out of court and included compensation for the injuries sustained, losses incurred and future treatment expenses.